Beyond the Consequences Page 9

  “Are you trying to convince me or yourself?”

  Claire shrugged. “I’d be lying if I said the idea of giving birth again didn’t make me nervous. Tony told me about Nichol’s delivery. I don’t remember any of it.”

  Dr. Brown’s eyes widened.

  “I was unconscious. It’s not a matter of selective memory, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

  “I have a statement from your husband, one I’ve had since you were first admitted. I seem to recall the doctor asking him to make a choice.”

  Claire sat, nodded again, as the lump re-formed in her throat. “He told me. He said that he told the doctor there was no choice. He had to save us both.” A smirk came to her lips. “Anthony Rawlings has a history of getting what he wants.”

  Dr. Brown’s expression hardened. “What if he doesn’t want another baby?”

  Claire’s heartbeat quickened. “He will,” she said confidently.

  “You know my thoughts. First we need to take our time decreasing the medications, but as we do that, I recommend that you and your husband discuss the expansion of your family. I understand your desire to get off the medicine; however, that isn’t the only step to becoming pregnant.”

  “I know,” Claire admitted. “I’m well aware of how it works.”

  Dr. Brown looked at the clock in the corner of her computer screen. “My only concern is that you thoroughly consider the positive and negative consequences of this train of thought.”

  “Oh, Dr. Brown, let me assure you, I’m thoroughly aware of consequences.”

  LATER THAT NIGHT, Claire stood at the window in their master bedroom suite and gazed out over the darkened backyard.

  Seven years.

  She wasn’t sure why the thought hadn’t occurred to her until now, late at night on March 19th, but it hadn’t. Claire was glad she’d been busy talking to Dr. Brown about her medications, sex, and a baby. The thoughts that she was currently having were not ones she wanted to analyze. Heaven knows they’d been analyzed enough, by her, her doctors, therapists, family, Tony, his therapists, even the whole damn world. Maybe it was that Rawls-Nichols card that arrived today. Did the sender remember this date before Claire?

  If she did, it didn’t narrow the list of suspected senders. The date, March 19, 2010, was well documented in both Meredith’s book and in court records.

  As Claire looked out to the moonlit trees and beyond she couldn’t help but remember the same night seven years ago. The view before her wasn’t the same as the one she saw that night from her suite. Reaching for the handle to the glass door leading to their balcony, Claire fought the urge to open it, to assure that it would open. Slowly, she pulled her hand away. The door would open, just as the front door did or any other. Hell, she’d been to Cedar Rapids just today. Everything was different than it had been. The whole damn house was different, and yet it was the same. So many things had changed. Claire wished that some of her memories would be forgotten and gone forever.

  The man she was currently married to was nothing like the man of seven years ago. She was different too. They’d both been through so much, too much. However, as Claire stared at the woods she knew that there would forever be triggers. She shook her head. Courtney was right. She even processed her own thoughts like her therapists. Dr. Brown called them that—triggers. They couldn’t be predicted. Although one would think the date would be a predictable annual trigger.

  While she, Tony, and Nichol celebrated St. Patrick’s Day with green-frosted cookies and giggled about the way the frosting turned their tongues and teeth green, she had a fleeting thought of a St. Patrick’s Day seven years ago. That was it—just a thought.

  Now, staring out onto the silver barren trees and feeling the cool glass, the memories were stronger. Maybe it was the fear she harbored about discontinuing her medications. Maybe it was the thought of having another child. Maybe it was her reality. The past would never fully go away.

  Lost in those thoughts, Claire momentarily tensed as warm breath skirted her neck. Just as quickly, she relaxed against the solid chest behind her. “Penny for your thoughts,” his deep voice murmured near her ear.

  Shaking her head, Claire swallowed. For a small sliver of time her thoughts had been dark: of dark eyes that threatened and demanded. It was a rabbit hole she refused to explore. Turning, she bravely looked up into those same eyes; however, the eyes before her were no longer hungry. They were dark with love and compassion, understanding and kinship. They were her drug of choice, the force that kept her grounded while allowing her to fly. Shaking her head, she replied, “I was just thinking. That’s all.” Her answer was neither a lie nor the truth.

  Tony gently reached for her chin. “You’ve been quiet all night. How did your session with Dr. Brown go today?”

  Lifting herself on the tips of her toes, Claire kissed Tony’s lips. The connection as they touched was the electricity she needed to jolt her back to her senses. The warmth traveled from her lips to her core confirming that the man who held her close was her other half, what she needed and wanted every day of her life. The two years they’d been apart had been hell. She wouldn’t allow that to ever happen again—she couldn’t.

  Reaching for her shoulders, Tony eased Claire away and stared deep into her eyes. As much as she now loved his dark, penetrating gaze, it also scared her. Not that she feared him. She feared his knowledge of her, his ability to see deep into her soul like no one else. Quickly she diverted her eyes and leaned into his chest.

  “We talked about my further decreasing my medications. Dr. Brown said the process needs to be monitored with blood work, but she said that if I think I’m ready, she’ll support me.”

  His arms wrapped around her petite frame. “There’s no rush. Making sure you’re all right is most important. Maybe you should wait a while.”

  Claire looked back up. “It’s what I want. I’m tired of the way they make me feel. I want to be me—totally me.”

  “You are you,” Tony encouraged. “Listen to your doctor.”

  “I am.” Claire’s neck stiffened and her tone dripped with her pent-up angst. “Talk to her if you want. She said it could be done. We just need to monitor everything. I’m not crazy,” she added defensively.

  His warm embrace pulled her closer. “I didn’t say that. No one said that. Well…” He chuckled. “I suppose there are quite a few who’ve thought we’re both crazy for being back together, but for the most part, those people don’t really know us. If you have to be crazy to let me back into your life…” He gently kissed her lips. “…then, Mrs. Rawlings, I’m glad you are.”

  Pulling her hand, Tony led her away from the window toward the sofa. “How about if I start a fire, or are you ready for bed?”

  Claire tilted her head to the side. “A fire would be nice. I’d like to talk for a little bit.”

  “Or,” he said with more than a hint of his devilish grin, “we could do something else?”

  It was the tone that stirred her, the one she craved. Yet right now she needed to face her fears. Dr. Brown was right. Having a baby wasn’t a unilateral decision. Claire needed to be honest with her husband. Feigning a smile, Claire replied, “Let’s talk first. You can start the fire, and I’ll get ready for bed.”

  Tony nodded as he turned toward the large fireplace. Though it wasn’t as massive as the one in their old estate, it had the similarity that always caused Claire to pause: her portrait hung directly above the mantle. Nichol called it Claire’s princess picture. Perhaps she wasn’t truly a princess; however, she’d felt like one on that day. Their first wedding was like a fairytale, fast and make-believe. What they shared at that time wasn’t like the love they had today. Their paths had taken them on some dark journeys and somehow they found their way back together. Their love today was deeper and more intense than it had been. It had been tested by fire—like the one Tony was building—and came back stronger.

  “Claire?”

  Her attention shifted to her husband. �
�Yes?”

  “You haven’t moved. Didn’t you say you were going to get ready for bed?”

  She looked down at herself. “Yes, I guess I’m thinking about too much. I’ll be right back.”

  Moments later, she came from their large attached bath, clad in a nightgown and robe. With her face washed and teeth brushed, she gave Tony’s cheek a mint-flavored kiss and tugged his hand to move him toward the sofa. Once he sat, she settled in front of him, her back against his chest. Reaching for his large hand, she wrapped herself in his arms.

  His voice murmured near her ear. “Now, my dear, what has you so lost in thought? What do you want to talk about?”

  With a sigh, Claire relaxed against his chest. “I want to talk about the medication thing. I want you to be honest with me.”

  “I’m always honest with you. Are you saying that you’re not?”

  “No. I don’t think I was dishonest… not on purpose. But today while I was talking to Dr. Brown I realized something.”

  Tony let out a long breath. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how many ways or how many times I need to say it, but I am.”

  Claire peered over her shoulder. His dark eyes swirled with remorse. Momentarily, with her concentration on the prospect of having another baby, she’d forgotten the memories she’d been confronting at the window. Suddenly, the sadness in his gaze and tone brought them all back. Reaching up to his cheek, Claire gently palmed the five o’clock shadow. “Tony, that’s not what I want to talk about. We’ve talked it to death. It’s funny. I didn’t even make the association with the date until a few minutes ago. I think that’s a good thing.”

  “So that wasn’t what you and Dr. Brown discussed today?”

  “No, believe it or not, it wasn’t. Like I said, I hadn’t even thought about it until a little while ago.”

  “Well, I’ve been thinking about it all day. I’ve been watching you, waiting for you to bring it up. I thought you were just trying to spare me by not mentioning it.”

  “Tony…” her voice held more of a plea than she wanted to admit “…I’ll talk about it if you want. I’m also fine with not making a big deal about it. Hell, we have anniversaries of many things all the time. Seven years ago…” She felt him tense behind her. “…I woke up on this estate. Today it’s our home, one we share with our daughter.”

  “The thing is,” Tony began, “I know it was wrong. The world knows it was wrong. Hell, I spent two years paying the price for it being wrong.” His voice softened. “And you’ve paid more than that, but right now, with the two of us here and Nichol down the hall, I can’t say I regret bringing you here. I should, but I don’t.”

  Claire closed her eyes and swallowed. “Maybe we are both crazy?”

  Tony’s arms tightened around her. “What does that mean? You regret it?”

  “No, I don’t. I regret many things. Being with you right here, right now, isn’t one of them.”

  “I regret the way I treated you, the things that happened… but bringing you into my life…” His lips touched her neck sending chills down her body. “…I’ll never regret.”

  Claire craned her neck allowing her husband better access. As his caresses deepened, she remembered her mission. “I want to talk about the future.” He continued kissing. “Please, this is important.”

  Taking a deep breath, Tony sat straighter. Though his lips were obeying, in the small of Claire’s back she could feel another part of him that had other plans. “What, my dear? What about our future? I must say, I like that topic better than our past.”

  The tips of her fingers traced an imaginary path over the arm that was wrapped about her midsection. “Tony, I realized today while I was talking to Dr. Brown that I have multiple reasons why I want to get off my medications—”

  “Wait!” His voice boomed through their suite. “Off? You said decrease, not off.”

  Claire turned to face him. “Well, it has to start as a decrease and then it’ll eventually be tapered off completely.”

  “No, not until I hear from the doctor that you can do that. I’m not losing you again.”

  “Tony,” she tried to hide the hurt from her voice. “I’m not going anywhere. Dr. Brown and I discussed it. I went wherever I went—in my head—because I thought you and Nichol were gone. I thought I killed you! I know you’re here. I know Nichol’s here. This, the real world, is where I want to be. I don’t need medicine to keep me here.”

  Though his dark eyes reflected his unspoken argument, he stopped the words from coming. Finally, he replied, “Next week, I’m going with you to your appointment. I’ll have my schedule cleared. I want to hear this from her.”

  This wasn’t going the way she wanted it, but Claire knew if Tony planned to talk to Dr. Brown, she wanted to be the one to mention her desires for a baby. She didn’t want it coming up in a group-therapy session. “That’s fine. If it’ll make you feel better, I don’t care, come to my appointment. Before you do, I need to tell you what I realized.”

  “Shit, that wasn’t it? It wasn’t about stopping your medicine?”

  “No, it wasn’t, well not really.” Claire eyed him suspiciously. “Forget it. This doesn’t feel like the right time.”

  Tony cupped her chin. “I’m sorry if my concern for your well-being is spoiling your right time. However, I’m not sorry for being concerned. Tell me what you realized.”

  She took a deep breath. “Once I’m off the medicine and the doctors clear me physically… I want to be off all my medicine.” She waited for him to understand. The dark eyes before her confirmed he didn’t. “Tony, I want to quit my birth control too.” Before he could speak or the shock in his gaze registered, she plowed ahead. “I want another baby.”

  Perhaps the sofa caught on fire. Had a spark jumped from the stone enclosure to their location? There was no other plausible explanation for the speed at which Tony stood, leaving Claire suddenly alone and chilled from the loss of his embrace.

  Running his hand through his mane, Tony declared, “No.”

  Refusing to submit to the tears that stood at the ready, Claire chose instead to fuel her indignation. Her volume rose with each statement. “No? Excuse me. You can’t just say no. If you want to talk about it, fine. If you want a doctor’s confirmation, fine. But a blanket CEO-tone no is unacceptable.”

  His gaze continued to be one of disbelief. It was as if he were looking at her trying to distinguish which of her three heads was speaking. Finally, he spoke, “That’s too bad, because that’s all you’re getting. I’m in shock that you’d even consider such a thing. What is it? Is it because of Emily? Is it all her baby talk that has you thinking this way? Maybe you should spend your time elsewhere?”

  What the hell?

  Claire stood. “I’ll spend my time wherever I want. And yes, the talk of Baby Beth is part of it. More than that, it’s Nichol. Perhaps I shouldn’t spend my time with her either?” The last part of Claire’s statement dripped with ire and sarcasm.

  “You’re being ridiculous. Nichol doesn’t have you worked up. It’s Emily. She—”

  “She’s my sister and she’s having a baby. But it is Nichol. I keep thinking about how much we missed with her. Didn’t you want to experience all those milestones?”

  Tony’s chest expanded and contracted with each breath. “I did.” His eyes narrowed. “I wasn’t the one who kept those milestones away from me.”

  Claire slapped her hands against her sides. “This isn’t about Emily.”

  Spinning first in place, Tony then paced to the windows and back. “How the fuck did this happen? Ten minutes ago I wanted to make love to my wife. Now we’re screaming at one another. There. Is. Nothing. To. Fight. About! We. Are. Not. Having. Another. Baby.”

  “You’re right, Tony, about fighting, but you’re not right about a baby. It’s my body. If I want to have another baby, I’ll have one. I was ready to do it without you the first time. I can do it without you now.”

  He seized her shoulders. “Stop it.
You’re not doing anything without me. Don’t you get it? Do you have any idea how close to death you were when Nichol was born? I lived through two days of hell on earth thinking you wouldn’t survive her birth. There would’ve been no escape from the pain if you had died. Do you know who would’ve been responsible for that? Me!” His back stiffened. “I’ve been in that position more than once. I won’t do it again.”

  Claire saw the man she loved with all of her heart and soul. She saw the pain and anguish and heard the same emotions in his words. Her voice calmed. “Tony, we’re not on a deserted island. We’re here, in Iowa, in the United States. I’ll have the best medical care that money can buy. I’ll be all right.”

  His lips pressed together in a rigid line.

  She lifted herself on her tiptoes and gently kissed his scowl. “It can’t happen right away, but I want to begin the process. Please…” She kissed him again. “…don’t say no and end this discussion. Say you’ll think about it. Say you’ll talk with the doctors. Say you’ll support the idea.”

  “I so want to end this discussion.”

  “Think about all we missed. Think about Nichol learning to crawl and walk. Think about her first word. Don’t close your mind to having another baby. Please don’t say no, say you’ll—”

  Tony stopped her words with a kiss. “I’ll think about it, but know your safety is number one. Will you at least agree with that?”

  Claire smiled. “I agree. I also think that since we know it can’t happen yet, we should practice. We got lucky with Nichol, but who knows… this baby may take a lot of trying.”

  Closing his eyes, Tony shook his head. “Yes, Mrs. Rawlings, always the master negotiator.”

  “Well, you know what they say about practice?”

  Tony backed Claire toward the bed. Once her knees buckled, she gazed up at him. “My dear, I’ll practice as much as you desire, but I’ve told you before that I will not survive without you.” He ran his fingers through her long, dark hair, fanning it around her face. “You are my everything. All of these plans must meet the doctor’s approval. If they don’t, the answer is unequivocally no.”