Into the Light Read online

  She exhaled and pursed her lips.

  “It is!” I exclaimed.

  “No, it’s not. I’m ugly. I know you like my hair.” She burrowed her face into my chest. “Liked.”

  I brushed her cheek. “I like your hair. I love you, no matter what your hair looks like.”

  “But I’m ugly.”

  I caressed her arm, her warmth combining with mine. “Sara Adams, you could never be ugly. Even if you were bald, you’re the most gorgeous woman in the world. And by the way, you’re not allowed to argue with me. If I say you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful.”

  “I don’t even remember what color it is.”

  I laughed. “It’s the most beautiful color of corn silk and sunshine.”

  Her neck straightened. “So it is blonde?”

  I drew her face to mine. With our noses touching, I nodded. “It is.”

  She cuddled closer. “Thank you.”

  Inhaling the combined scent of flowers and lovemaking, I sighed, “No, Sara, thank you.” And then I remembered the time of night and how I’d found her. “Have you eaten? Are you hungry?”

  She pulled away. “Oh, I’m sorry. I’m not, but I’ll make you . . .”

  I hugged her tight. “I’m not hungry. Like I’ve told you before, you’re mine, all mine, and you’re my responsibility. I wanted to be sure you’re all right.”

  Her fingers splayed on my chest before she traced the edge of my jaw. “I wasn’t, but now I am.” Another kiss. I kissed her forehead.

  “One more thing about tonight.” I had to tell her this. I didn’t want to wait.

  “Yes?”

  “When I got home, and again at the couch . . .” I took a deep breath and lifted her face to mine. “I know I gave you the option the other day, but Sara Adams, you’re the wife of an Assemblyman. Don’t kneel. You don’t belong on the ground. I’m perfectly content with your words and the bowing of your head.” It had killed me seeing her grovel. “Do you understand?”

  “Yes.” She paused. “I’m just wondering if there could ever be any exceptions. I mean, earlier, you didn’t let me finish . . .”

  Laughter bubbled from my throat. “I suppose there can always be exceptions. Get some sleep. It’s been a long day.”

  “Good night, Jacob.”

  CHAPTER 23

  Sara

  I nervously waited for Jacob’s return. He’d left earlier than normal this morning for Assembly. He hadn’t mentioned Brother Timothy or Sister Lilith, and I couldn’t ask, but the subject hung in the air like a thick cloud. When I washed my hair this morning, I’d gotten a better idea of how much was left. It was longer in the front, hanging just past my chin, and shorter in back. She’d cut it right at my ponytail tie.

  Though I should’ve been listening to Father Gabriel’s teachings, my mind was too much of a whirlwind to concentrate. Before Jacob left he told me that Brother Micah would be in the hangar today, as would others. Apparently they’d picked up supplies while at the Eastern Light, and they needed to be unloaded and driven back to the community. When I asked how they transported supplies, since the larger plane was mostly that soft luxurious cabin, he’d said that under the cabin was a large cargo area accessible from the outside.

  Admittedly, it’d taken me a while, but I was getting the hang of asking, not questioning.

  I’d recently heard a lesson about the sin of being prideful. It reminded me of Elizabeth’s comment, and I decided it was one of my areas that needed work. Raquel had once said she needed to work on her patience. So it must be all right to have areas that needed improvement, as long as you recognized them. However, instead of working on it, this morning I was relishing in it. I wasn’t prideful for myself; I was prideful for my husband, the important work he did for Father Gabriel and on the Assembly, and mostly his discernment. I’d been ready to accept his correction last night, conceding my transgressions and accepting his judgment. When he’d led me upstairs I knew what was coming, or I thought I did. I said more than one silent prayer that he’d show leniency. Despite the fact that the thought of twenty lashes seemed incomprehensible, once I confessed, there was a peace in knowing it was no longer in my hands. That didn’t mean that I expected what happened. Never in a million years could I have foreseen his contrary reaction.

  My face flushed as I thought about last night. It wasn’t as if it had been our first time making love, but to me it had felt that way. How I could ever have forgotten Jacob’s mastery in bed was beyond me. I’d been right when I predicted that he conquered unapologetically and bestowed unsparingly. Maybe it hadn’t been a prediction, but a memory. Either way my body ached—in the best way—with my reminders of last night. Unlike other reminders that I wanted to avoid, the ones I currently experienced could recur every day and I wouldn’t complain. I knew that making love didn’t change our dynamic, but in a way it did. As I made his breakfast and prepared his coffee, I’d realized how much I wanted to please him. Especially if he still supported me with the way I looked. Maybe it wasn’t prideful that I felt, but blessed.

  While I debated, sounds echoed from the hangar. I knew Jacob had told me about Brother Micah and the others so that I wouldn’t panic at every noise. Of course it also helped when he mentioned that Brother Timothy would be at Assembly and Sister Lilith couldn’t drive out of the community alone. Though that made me feel better about me, I still worried about him. I doubted he would let their actions go without some kind of confrontation.

  I bit my lip wondering if Jacob, an Assemblyman, could confront Brother Timothy, a Commissioner. And what would happen if he did?

  As the garage door rose, I hurried to the clock. It was almost ten thirty. Assembly would be over. Hoping this was Jacob, I went to my spot near the door. Briefly I recalled my husband’s words from the night before about kneeling. I wasn’t sure how he did it, but despite my obvious transgressions and his supreme power over my life, he made me feel loved and worthy. I no longer had lingering feelings of resentment about waiting for him to enter. I was happy to do it.

  The door opened and my breath hitched. Instead of only Jacob, there were multiple voices. Lowering my chin, I waited.

  “Sara,” Jacob said, placing his coat in my arms. “Dr. Newton is here with me. We have a surprise.” He kissed my cheek.

  I nodded. “Dr. Newton.”

  “Sister Sara.”

  Cautiously I walked toward the closet carrying Jacob’s and Dr. Newton’s coats. My mind was a blur of questions. Was this about my eyes? Jacob had changed the bandages this morning, but could the bandages be ready to be permanently removed?

  As I began to juggle their coats, a hand touched my shoulder. I spun toward it, immediately recognizing the touch as well as a faint scent of honeysuckle. “I-I thought . . .”

  Raquel hugged my shoulders. “Let me help you with those coats.”

  I nodded, the sound of Jacob’s and Dr. Newton’s voices reminding me that we were limited in what we could say.

  She took one of the coats from my hand and we both reached for hangers. Quietly she whispered, “I don’t know everything, but Brother Jacob got a special dispensation from the Commission and Father Gabriel. Since I work with Dr. Newton, they let me come.” She squeezed my hand. “I’ve missed you.”

  The lump in my throat made it hard to speak. “I’ve missed you too,” I whispered. I hadn’t realized just how much until that moment.

  “Sara,” Jacob called, “it’s time to do this.”

  “All right,” I replied, allowing Raquel to lead me to one of the kitchen chairs.

  “Sister Raquel,” Dr. Newton said, “turn off the lights and close the drapes. We need to progress slowly.”

  Jacob reached for my hand, and his voice came as if he was kneeling near my chair. “Dear God and Father Gabriel, I pray that you’ve seen fit to heal my wife’s sight.”

  “Amen,” came from all.

  I bit my lip, amazed given how fast my heart was beating that it stayed contained within my ches
t. Like Jacob’s actions last night, this caught me off guard. I’d had no idea this was coming. If I had, I’d have spent my entire morning imagining what I hoped to see. Squeezing Jacob’s hand, I confessed, “I’m scared.”

  “We’ll survive no matter what happens today. You’ve done well for the last three weeks. If you don’t have sight, we’ll learn how to go on.”

  I nodded. He was right, as usual. That didn’t mean I wanted to learn to cope. I wanted to see him, to gaze into the piercing blue eyes I remembered, to see their approval and admiration.

  “Sister Raquel,” Dr. Newton said, “hand me the scissors, so I may remove these bandages.”

  “No!” I blurted without thinking. Jacob unwound them. He didn’t cut them.

  “Sara?”

  Suddenly trembling, I pulled toward Jacob. “I-I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Dr. Newton.” I sat straight. “It’s the scissors. I’m sorry. I do want the bandages off. I didn’t mean . . .”

  Raquel touched my knee. “It’s all right. We understand. Let’s get these bandages off, and then I’m going to help you with your hair.”

  She is?

  I took a deep breath and nodded again. “I’m ready.”

  “Keep your eyes closed,” Dr. Newton said.

  I nodded. The snip and clip of the scissors echoed through the pole barn like nails on a chalkboard, yet I remained still. The tightening of my grip on Jacob’s hand and my clenched teeth were the only indicators of my apprehension. While Dr. Newton cut the bandages from around my head, Raquel removed them. Though we changed them daily, my heart trepidatiously soared as I thought that they would not need to be replaced, but at the same time I feared it wouldn’t matter.

  “Sister Sara, tell me about your headaches.”

  “I haven’t had any for a while. A little yesterday, but I think it was stress.”

  Jacob squeezed my hand reassuringly.

  “That’s a good sign regarding your optic nerve,” Dr. Newton said. “My biggest concern has always been the flash from the explosion. However, it’s been four weeks since your accident. If they’re going to heal, they’ll be healed by now.”

  I nodded.

  “OK, Sister, this is it. Slowly open your eyes.”

  I took a deep breath and exhaled. Fluttering my lids, I gasped.

  I saw light!

  I squeezed Jacob’s hand and blinked a few more times. The room was dim, very dim. I knew what I wanted to see. Turning my head, I took in the man who’d been by my side throughout my memory. With his forehead on my leg, his closed-eyed profile made him look as if he were praying.

  Tears escaped as my smile grew.

  I can see! I see my husband.

  As I beheld the dark, wavy hair that covered his ears, my heart stilled. The jaw and chin I’d traced in the middle of the night were also covered with the same dark hair, only unlike the longer waves on his head, it was trimmed close to his face. I saw his closed eyes and high cheekbones. He was bent forward, silently waiting for my response. His light shirt—the color difficult to distinguish in the darkened room—stretched across the broad shoulders that I’d caressed. On his shirt were darker stripes that crisscrossed over the material. The darkness of my skirt contrasted with his skin. As I reached for his hair, my heart overflowed with emotion, as I saw what I could recall only feeling.

  “Jacob, I can see.” My voice was barely a whisper.

  Dr. Newton and Raquel sighed. I wasn’t ready to look at them. I needed to fully see the man kneeling at my feet. My cheeks rose as his handsome face turned my way. Moisture glistened in his eyes—his dark-brown eyes.

  My elation evaporated. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to hide my disappointment.

  “Sara, what happened? Are you in pain?”

  I willed myself to listen, to hear the man I loved.

  He didn’t have piercing blue eyes!

  Shaking my head, I inhaled and exhaled. “No, I’m just emotional.”

  A lovely dark-haired woman with light-olive skin, probably in her late twenties, hugged me. Her white shiny smile drew me in. Her round cheeks had just the right amount of pink, and her blue eyes sparkled with compassion. “Of course you are. This is a miracle. Praise God. Praise Father Gabriel.”

  I nodded, noticing how her hair was secured at the nape of her neck in a low bun. Staring at her slender frame, I recalled how she’d helped me at the hospital, getting me in and out of bed. The turtleneck sweater she wore under her scrubs accentuated her long neck. I reached for the necklace Jacob had placed around my neck, seeing the same cross on her. On her feet she had warm boots, and I wondered if she wore running shoes in the clinic. Her footsteps had always sounded different from Jacob’s or Lilith’s. I took her hands in mine. “Raquel, I didn’t remember what you looked like. You’re so pretty.”

  She smiled and lowered her chin. “Thank you, so are you.”

  Touching my hair, I said, “Not anymore.”

  She turned to Jacob, who was now standing. I craned my neck upward, seeing how tall he truly was.

  I’d hoped that my sight would reveal the answers I’d been missing, allowing the pieces of the puzzle to fall into place, but it didn’t. Instead of its shining light on my life, everything was suddenly more foreign. When Jacob nodded at Raquel, I started to ask what they were planning, but stopped myself.

  “Honey,” Raquel said, “when Brother Jacob told me what happened, I offered to help.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t think anyone can help.”

  “It really is cute. It just needs to be evened up a bit.”

  Jacob squeezed my shoulder. “I told you it was going to be all right, and I said it was cute. Need I remind you that I’m always right?”

  I could tell by his voice he was joking; nevertheless my cheeks flushed as I lowered my chin and said, “No, I believe you.”

  “Good, Dr. Newton and I’ll go out to the hangar for a little bit and let you two ladies do the beauty parlor thing. Then I need to return Dr. Newton and Raquel to the community.”

  My pulse quickened at the idea of being alone, especially now that the Commission meeting was surely done. Before I could say anything, Dr. Newton spoke, and I turned his way.

  With my eyes down, I noticed both of the men’s shoes. Jacob wore boots, work boots with a hard sole. Those were the boots I’d heard pace my hospital room as well as walk the wooden floors of the living quarters. Dr. Newton wore shoes that too had a hard sole, and slacks as opposed to Jacob’s jeans. Dr. Newton was older and shorter than Jacob and had gray in his thin hair. He was rather nondescript—neither handsome nor homely.

  “Sister Sara, is anything blurry?” he asked.

  “No.”

  Raquel opened the curtains. No wonder they did such a good job keeping the sun out, there wasn’t any, not really. I looked to the clock, the one with the hands I could feel. It was nearly noon, yet it looked like dusk through the windows. “It’s so dark,” I commented.

  “That’s what happens in the dark season,” Jacob replied, as he turned on lights. “It won’t start getting lighter, well, until . . . February.”

  I shook my head.

  Shouldn’t some of this be familiar? February? What month is it?

  “Sister, let me look closer at your eyes.”

  Dr. Newton shone a bright light directly into them. He then asked me to read a few things at various distances. Though I was thrilled everything was working, the strange sense of wrongness I’d had when I first awoke was back.

  When Raquel and I were alone, I asked, “What month is it?”

  “It’s November, but December is coming fast.” She squeezed my hand. “I’m so excited that you’ll be home soon. There’s so much happening with the holidays around the corner.”

  I stood.

  “Where are you going?” she asked.

  “To find a mirror.”

  “Oh, no.” She giggled. I really have missed her. “Not yet. Let me work a little bit, then you can.”

  I scrunche
d my nose. “Is it that bad? Come on, be honest.”

  She squared her shoulders, and her petite frame stood tall. “You know I’m always honest, brutally, even, and I agree with Brother Jacob, it’s cute. You’ll probably start a whole new trend.”

  I sat back in the chair. “Oh, I’m sure. Can I be the one to cut Sister Lilith’s?” I quickly covered my lips with the tips of my fingers as my eyes opened wide.

  Shit! I was so overwhelmed, I wasn’t filtering.

  Raquel came close and whispered, “Only if I’m the one who gets to hold her down.”

  We both stifled our laughter.

  When she first brought out the scissors, I had to remind myself that this was my friend and we had Jacob’s approval. Ignoring the sounds, I concentrated on my breathing. Soon Raquel had me forgetting about the scissors. She clipped and chatted, talked and snipped. Every now and then she stood back and assessed. The pieces of hair that fell to the ground were short, an inch here and half an inch there. Seeing them reminded me of my ponytail. I’d looked for it this morning, on the vanity where I’d left it, but it was gone. I was sure Jacob had thought he was helping me, and I didn’t say anything, but I missed it.

  While she worked, Raquel spoke about the other Assembly wives. There were twelve of us altogether. I couldn’t keep up with all the names. One named Deborah was expecting a baby very soon. I was confident that I’d be able to spot her in the crowd. Another named Esther had recently had her second. Apparently she was very tired, especially with her time away from her job coming to an end. I learned that the Assembly wives didn’t sit together only at service, but that twice a week, during prayer meetings, we met separately with the Commission wives for study. Even the word Commission made me bristle.

  “Raquel, what do you know about what happened today, with Jacob I mean? How’d he get you here?”

  She shrugged. “I really don’t know. Benjamin was the one who told me I could come. I didn’t know about what’d happened, umm . . . with your hair . . . until Brother Jacob told me during the drive here.”